Lucy's story

I can't quite believe it has been just over a year since our very first Rainbow Running Club Run in Hertford on Sunday 15th of September, a date that I don't think I will ever forget. When I had the idea to start a "running club" no one was more surprised than I was, I'm not someone who is "sporty" or who is a lover of exercise - I've exercised sporadically over the years, but never really found my "thing". I am also shy and often get told I speak too quietly - something that I have become very self-conscious of over the years. As we drove to Hertford that sunny Sunday morning my legs were shaking and I kept saying to Gemma over and over again; What am I doing? What if no one comes? What if no one can hear me? What if everyone is expecting this big professional experience and realise that it's not the case. What will I say? As we arrived and slowly others did too I felt the adrenaline kick in, the nervousness being replaced by excitement, people were turning up it wasn't just going to me and Gemma and my family there. The rest of the morning proceeded in a blur of nervous excitement and a real feeling of maybe together we could be creating something really special here. Standing in the Mill House in Hertford seeing all of these incredibly brave women who had put their trust in me (a stranger from the internet) and been the first to come to one of our events, I felt such a sense of pride. Here they were chatting to each other, smiling, sharing their tears and stories and I was utterly blown away. This had exceeded my wildest dreams, people were chatting to each other, connecting, friendships were being created. This was so needed - to finally be with others who understand, who "get it". You may think that it could be really somber being in a room filled with women going through the hardest moments of their lives, who have endured such heartache but in fact it is incredible uplifting and freeing to know that you are no longer alone. Until that moment I had no idea just how much that would really mean or how much this would help me to heal over the next year. I had no idea the life changing year that lay ahead of me and all of the opportunities that would come my way. All I knew in that moment was that this was something I believed in with every ounce of my being, that I had found my "tribe", I finally belonged somewhere. Over this past year I have learnt thanks to the incredible ladies that I have met that Rainbow's don't necessarily have to mean babies, they can also be the moments that bring you joy and happiness and glimmers of light after the darkness. The Rainbow Running and Yoga Club is my Rainbow - it has given me a safe space to pour all of my heart ache and grief into, it has helped me to find my passion, to re discover who I am (outside of infertility and loss which consumed my life for so long) but who "Lucy" is. What brings me joy, what makes my heart sing? The Rainbow Running and Yoga Club has also connected me to the most wonderful group of women, I have made life long friends. I feel heard, supported and free. For that I cannot thank you all enough. Thank you for supporting me and my dreams and for making our amazing community all that it is today. Who knew that a moment in March just six months before when I lay on the bed at the fertility clinic feeling as though my world had ended, would lead to this? As we drove to our 10 week scan excitedly chatting about how much our little pip would have grown & how we would get to find out if we were expecting a boy or a girl, I never imagined what lay ahead. It’s a girl I said I know it is, the way I feel is the same as when I was pregnant with our daughter. I felt nervous of course I did, five years of trying to have babies, two miscarriages & two rounds of IVF will do that to you and means you never allow yourself to fully believe that this could be the time. But this time I felt different, we’d made it to seven weeks (the time I’d previously miscarried) we had a scan we saw a teeny tiny heart beating away, a strong heart beat we were told. I felt pregnant, exactly as I had in my pregnancy with my daughter. My tummy had already started to pop out, (my maternity jeans were on) I was constantly nauseous and tired. This time I thought, this time luck might just be on our side. I knew before the Dr said those heart breaking words that something was wrong, I’ve seen what a baby at 10 weeks looks like and what the screen showed didn’t match that, I can’t remember the lines our kind Doctor used as it’s all a bit of a blur but I think it was I’m sorry your pregnancy hasn’t progressed as we would have expected I’m sorry there is no heartbeat. In that moment our world fell a part, all our hopes & dreams for a sibling for M we’re gone. How can this be happening again & why does my body still think that I’m pregnant? Previously it felt as though my body had failed, this time it felt as though my body was as desperate as I was to cling on to this baby and wasn’t going to let go. This was our second loss in six months, five of which I’d been pregnant for. We found out later that the baby was a girl, a little sister, our daughter. I didn’t know how I was going to pull