I hid in a bush

I'm going to share a story with you about something that actually happened to me and something that I believe my infertility drove me to do! I don't know about you, but when I was trying to conceive it brought up all the feelings, mainly negative ones I must say and I used to have some quite ugly thoughts.

I used to think that perhaps I was a bad person for thinking the way that I did at times, you know, jealousy, bitterness, anger, frustration, sadness etc? I know now that all these emotions did not make me a bad person - what was happening to me was a bad thing, but at the time I felt very guilty for feeling the way that I did.

The story I want to share with you is about when I was in my early 30s and hid in a bush to avoid someone! I can smile about it now and see the funny side, but back then I was mortified and actually in a lot of ways it’s not funny because, you know, I obviously felt so desperate to avoid a situation that I threw myself in a bush to hide!

So let me give you some context. My friend had invited me to her daughter's birthday party. She's a very good friend so I don't know why I didn't just say to her. “Look, I'm really sorry, but I’m struggling right now and I can’t make it this time”. I definitely could have said that to her, but all too often we put other people's feelings for ourselves, don't we?

Often we don't tell people that we're struggling either. I know it’s harder with some people than with others. Some people don't make it easy for us, do they? But sometimes we don’t give people the chance to make things easier for us because they don’t realise how much we are struggling with the pain and everything that comes with infertility.

I woke up on the day of the party and felt sick and anxious at the thought of going, but didn’t want to let my friend down. I could not think of anything worse at that moment than being surrounded by other people’s children and everything that I wanted and did not have.

Anyway, I'd popped out to get some shopping in the morning and I live in a small place. I think you probably know what’s coming right? Yep I was walking along, I spotted my friend walking towards me who at that point hadn’t seen me and literally, I don't know what happened other than sheer panic and the need to hide and so I just sort of threw myself into a bush. However, she did see fall and came rushing over to see if I was OK. At this point I just burst into tears and told her what was going on for me and do you know what? She was so lovely. We both sat together laughing and crying. In the bush and of course she agreed I should not go to the party. Phew.

I want to share this with you for a few reasons.

Your thoughts and feelings so not define you. You are not a bad person. What is happening to you is really hard and at times absolutely awful, so you are bound to have some negative rhetoric going around in your head at times and that's ok and completely normal. And, you know, sometimes we do things like hide in the bush and that’s ok too but if you can avoid it I don’t recommend it! Bit wet and spikey! It is worth speaking up and telling people what you need and more importantly and perhaps easier what you don't need when struggling, because sometimes, we just presume people either understand what we need, or we think we're gonna really upset people. And so we carry all of this around ourselves and actually, most people when you explain things to them if they love and care about you will be super supportive and just want to help you. My friend was mortified that I felt so desperate to escape from a situation that I felt I had to throw myself in the bush.

So you know, if you are struggling try and reach out. My inbox is always open and you are welcome to reach out to me if you are struggling too

hello@yourivfabroad.co.uk

Love Emma xxx

PS - Have you listened to my podcast all about infertility and fertility treatment abroad? It’s there to keep you informed and to stop you from feeling alone on your fertility journey. Just search for Your IVF abroad with Emma Haslam on your usual platforms, or copy and paste the link below into your browser yourivfabroad.co.uk/podcast